Cult of Cod
«Series: Genefish»

Genefish 2

There soon came a knocking upon the door of the Divine Bachelor Pad. Cod swam over to answer it, and upon opening the door discovered a group of mortals holding many baskets of fish.

“Please Cod, we the people of the Earth have traveled far to beseech you to make it stop raining fish.”

« I'm sorry, come again? »

“After you waved your fin and said 'Let there be fish' it has been raining fish non-stop ever since. It's been weeks. Whole nations now lie buried under mounds of rotting fish, unable to eat their way out from underneath a ton of tuna.”

« Wait, a metric tonne or an imperial ton? »

The leader of the mortals let out an exasperated sigh.

“Look, I don't know. There's just a lot of fish. Like, a really big lot of them. So many it's hard to move and there are houses where people can't get out of them because there's just so many fish. Can you please fix this?”

Having been moved by the pleas of the mortal, Cod created a rainbow as a symbol to never again flood the world with fish.

“That's very pretty and all, but I don't think you actually stopped the fish falling from the sky. I can still see them over there, falling on top of my home village.”

« Oh right, I guess I should do that too. »

With a wave of the fin, Cod halted the falling fish from the sky, putting an end to the third most bizarre meteorological event in recorded history. But still, the people cried out for Cod's mercy...

“The rain of fish has stopped, but we still cannot dig out from under all these stacks of salmon. Is there anything you can do to help clear the way for us?”

Cod muttered something about "Millenials never being willing to go the extra mile" and again waved a fin over the land. Now, the fish grew four legs each and horns and started walking around mooing. The fish had been turned into a new kind of animal - a cow!

“Actually, Narrator, we already had cows. My family has raised cows for generations. These weird four-legged scaly things don't look anything like cows. And further-”

Right, that's enough from the mortals for this Scripture. The cows began milling around the villages and the fields in which they had fallen, and soon the mortals were back with more really annoying requests that I'm just going to summarize here: blah blah, mortals aren't appreciative of the cows, blah blah, they want the cows gone.

« You know, you don't have to be so uppity with them, Narrator. I mean, I find them bothersome too, but we can cut them some slack. »

La la la la not listening la la la mortals are annoying and whiny.

« Alright fine. So then I waved my fin again and the fishcows rose up into the sky where they joined as one glorious figure - McBetsy. Yes, McBetsy was the ultimate cow, from which all other cows were descended, and whose spirit passed over the land doing the work of Cod. »

« Wait, wasn't this Scripture about creating the world and stuff? Not my metal band? »

Sorry, I got caught up in the moment. I'm a huge fan of your band. I have all your posters and listen to your albums on repeat constantly. Could you autograph my text?

« Later. Get back to the Scripture. »

And so McBetsy joined Cod and Seajus in the Holey Trinity - and together they were divine beings by day, heavy metal rockers by night. They would shred up the local underground scene with thumping drums and sick bass lines that put everyone's hair (or fins) on edge.

Eventually they signed a deal with a recording label, but after the first record they terminated the contract on the grounds of creative differences with a producer who insisted there was too much cowbell in every song with McBetsy ... but that's a story for another time.

With the world now saved from the brink of extinction and a free rainbow out of the deal, Cod gazed once more upon the world and said:

« Let there be a paradise where I shall place two mortals to live in perfect harmony. Let there be nothing foul or hateful there to ruin their day. Let there be nothing impure and sinful to tempt them from the true path of worship. There, they shall be a model for all the people of the world that there is beauty and wonder in even the most terrible of times »

And so Cod put up a small fence around his yard and placed two adorable kittens in the yard. They were the cutest widdle kitties ever. Yes they were, yes they were. And the mortals did go "awwww" for it was true - they were the most adorable kitties ever.

And Cod saw that it was good.

<>< Prophet