Jonah and the Typo
Jonah had not been having a particularly great time. He and a bunch of his friends had escaped from a particularly nasty ruler in a nearby town. Okay, there'd been some major misunderstandings about why the rivers were blood and why there were so many frogs in town. The details, I am sure, will be written about another time - but they are not the details that matter right now. Seriously, stop asking.He was leading this caravan of people out into the wilderness in search of safety and frankly, he was just about ready to turn this camel around and go home. Everyone kept asking "are we there yet, are we there yet" and Jonah didn't even have the slightest idea where "there" was going to be. Just ... some place where he wasn't being blamed for a total solar eclipse would be nice. It'd also be great if there was something refreshing to drink. They'd passed three oases and five mirages but still they kept going, waiting for some sign. Preferably a neon one that said "Vacancy" and maybe "Free WiFi".
After now weeks of traveling, they reached the base of a mountain, and Jonah called for everyone to setup a camp.
“Does that mean we've finally reached our destination?”
“I mean, there's still a great deal of journey to life. Who knows where it might lead us yet in this gr-”
“So that's a no?”
“It's just that from a cosmic perspective, we are never truly at our destination when we're on a ball whizzi-”
“Seriously, this is a yes or no question”
“Do you ever think about the fact that when you die all the atoms that make you up are still right there and they're still going places even if 'you' aren't?”
But by then everyone had stopped paying attention to him and dispersed, grumbling about not getting enough bars or reception. Left to his own devices, Jonah trekked up the mountainside looking for some peace and quiet from the rest of the group. He hadn't really planned on making a hike of it, but the further he walked the more he felt glad to be apart from the group. They were so needy sometimes and Jonah could just use some "me" time, you know what I mean? Some time to commune with nature and collect his thoughts before they headed out again.In fact, he became so lost in thought that he didn't even notice the falling night - before he knew it the mountainside had gotten dark. Musing aloud to himself, Jonah said
“I guess I'm going to be spending the night up here then ... if I try to go back before first light I'll probably fall down the side and break my neck.”
And it was in that moment that a light appeared to Jonah through the clouds. Not the moon, nor the sun which had already set. But some great and powerful light which radiated from beyond the clouds - Jonah was awestruck.« Jonah, I have led you out of that really crappy place you were before and now to this mountain so that I may speak to you personally. I have a great mission for you to embark on. »
“Wait, you led me? Does that mean you're the one responsible for all the crazy weather and animal things that I got blamed for?”
There was an uncomfortable shifting sound from behind the clouds.« Yes, those were my doing. But the people I did them to were bad people, so that makes it okay. »
“It really doesn't. Also, the hail hit everyone pretty uniformly - including me. My car's got so much hail damage I had to find someone with a camel I could borrow to ride out here.”
« Look, I am your Creator and so anything I do is justified because I make the rules. »
“Well I didn't vote for you.”
« YOU DON'T VOTE FOR CREATOR. »
“Well how'd you become the Creator then?”
« Well you see when a Mommy universe and a Daddy universe love each other very much... »
“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww”
« ... Wait, you're not old enough for this talk. And I really didn't call you up here to talk about the Pulsars and Black Holes. I am here to give you a powerful moral framework with which you can lead my people to the Promised Land. »
“A moral framework? You mean like "destroying an entire town with brimstone is okay as long as people in the town are bad?"”
« I was thinking something a bit ... less extreme. We'll leave the extremes for me. Yeah, I think I'll handle those cases and you can worry about the more day-to-day problems of the world. »
“Yeah no, peace out. I'm not taking moral advice from some voice in the sky.”
A tremendous rumbling came from behind the clouds and bolts of lightning struck the mountainside, spraying rock in Jonah's direction. He crouched behind a burning bush to take cover from any more flying rocks.« I am your Creator and you shall do as I say! »
“Okay, geez, settle down. I'll take your moral framework down to people.”
« Alright, here goes. First, you shall not- »
“Wait wait wait. How long is this going to be? I don't want to forget any of these VERY IMPORTANT moral framework rules. Shouldn't there be a hard copy?”
« Good point. Got a pen and paper handy? »
Jonah scrounged in his pockets and held up empty hands.“Sorry, didn't think I'd end up taking dictation when I went for a hike up this mountain.”
« Ugh, fine. I'll just type them up on my typewriter and pass you a copy. Then you can carry them along with you. »
A few ticks and tacks sounded from up above, then a loud crunch.“That didn't sound good.”
« Ha, you can say that again. »
« Dammit, get out of here you. It's fine, it's fine. Just ... one of the keys is stuck. So I'm going to have to improvise a bit with writing this. »
“Wait, your typewriter is broken? Can't you just ... make it perfect again or create another one?”
« I already created everything once, jeez. I can't go fixing every little problem that crops up for every person in all of Creation. »
« Even when that person is yourself apparently. »
A long series of ticks and tacks sounded, along with a handful of "chings" as the typing went along. At last, a glowing pair of stone tablets descended from the clouds and alighted gently on Jonah's left foot.“OW OW! HEY! Watch where you're putting those - and why are they so heavy?! Why didn't you print these rules on paper or something instead of these slabs of stone.”
« Carrying chunks of stone builds character and you're starting to piss me off. Pretend it's a new CrossFit exercise or something. »
Jonah leaned down and inspected the blocks that he'd wrangled his toes out from underneath.- I am your Cod and you shaII have no other before me.
- Everyone deserves a second chance.
- PIay nice with others.
- Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
- Don't be an asshoIe.
- SeriousIy, do I need to speII out how not to be an asshoIe?
- Shut up about other peopIe's apperance.
- AIso how they are Iiving their Iives.
- After aII, we are gathered here to get through this thing caIIed Iife.
“It's a little awkward, but I don't think they'll notice the change ... and I can probably fix it in post. But as soon as I can I'm getting this photocopied and I'm leaving this over-sized paperweight behind. Are you sure this is the moral framework you want an ... entire group of people following?”
« Yeah, it's really good pudding. »
Shaking his head, Jonah descended the mountain in the early morning light. The tablets were weighty and he had to stop to put them down a few times. At one point he found some hard rocks to etch in the crossbar on the 'G' so that no one would notice the typo. Can't have them thinking the creator is quite so sloppy.But finally Jonah made it back to the base of the mountain and to people gathered there. The people ran to greet him and cried at the sight of him.
“You were gone so long!”
“We missed you!”
“Welcome home!”
“Did you bring us anything?”
“Seriously, are you house dogs? I was gone for one night and you're acting like I've been gone forever an-”
Jonah froze and looked across the camp to where a group of people were prostrating themselves around a statue. A giant golden statue. Of a fish.“Wha ... what did you do?”
“Well you were gone for so long we started a new religion. We were praying for your safe return and for delivery to the promised land.”
Jonah's mouth hung open as he stammered.“But ... but ... I have these tablets from the Creator who says that the NUMBER ONE thing we're not supposed to do is-”
At that moment, the clouds parted and Cod's majesty was revealed to Jonah. The statue was in fact a pretty good likeness.« Nah, it's cool bro. They did right by me. »
“... ... ... wat?”