Cult of Cod

Welcome to the Cult

Originally founded in 2001, the Cult of Cod has remained a world leader in all forms of fish-related worship ever since. And by that we mostly mean there hasn't really been any contest. We're leading in a race with only one contestant and that's perfectly fine as far as I'm considered. It's like discovering you're the only person who likes a particular meal item at a potluck!

Anyone may join the Cult of Cod - we're an open and inclusive Cult that welcomes people of all walks of life. In fact, we're so welcoming that by reading this we have already inducted you into the Cult. Even people who haven't heard of us yet have been welcomed into the cult years ago. I think they're behind on membership dues actually ... we should send someone to collect those.

Now, obviously the term "Cult" has a pretty negative connotation. So negative, in fact, that we're being denied all these sweet tax exemptions that other churches are using to line their pockets. It seems like it should be a major problem for branding: it discourages consumer trust and lowers our bottom line. In a modern capitalist society, how could we willingly turn away from the much more lucrative opportunity of labeling ourselves a "Church"?

Washing your brain with Fish is easy!

Just crack a Tide Pod into a shot glass with 3 tablespoons of fish oil.

Pour up your nose and shake your head back and forth vigorously.

Once you feel it tingling, lie down and sleep for 1 to 7 weeks for maximum effectiveness.

Rinse with cold water. Hang dry. Do not fold. Not valid outside of North Korea.
Well we've got two words for you: Brainwashing.

Okay so that was actually just one word, but once we get done scrubbing your brain down with laundry detergent, you'll believe it's ten words if we say so! The Cult of Cod is a proud leader in providing the most robust brainwashing techniques. So powerful, in fact, that your brain will stay squeaky clean more than a decade later.

I've uhhh ... actually tested that claim because I left my poor lost Codites alone for a really long time, but they still love the Cult and are happy to be back. Just think what washing your brain with Fish could do for you! Send your donations now and get washing your brain tonight! No time like the present! No presents like money! Mo' money, mo' problems!

... wait, why are you still here?

Okay, so let me level with you. Some real-real talk. Just between us adults. You're an adult right? Please do not continue reading this if you're not. It's not fun sexy adult things, it's just boring adult business. Super boring stuff. Business business tax exemption business business RRSP business business IRS business business remember the good old days when we had to walk uphill both ways to get to school?

Okay, that should've scared off the kids. So here's the thing: we're a little shorthanded on people to go collect those membership dues I mentioned up above there. Some of our members are really past due. Do you think you could go collect some dues on behalf of us? Here's a quick guide for getting us some of those nice foldy money things:

  1. Ask your immediate family for any available money
  2. Tell them it's for a new business venture and promise them a hefty cut
  3. Once they invest in your future success, send the money to us
It's guaranteed to work out for you. Plus they're getting a hefty cut of your enlightenment, so you're really helping out their spiritual growth. It's a win-win-win for everyone. Like getting triple bars on a slot machine. Don't worry, they're already members of the Cult anyways (because we said so) and these are their proper membership dues. No one's being taken advantage of.

Also, we have some aquariums we'd like you to sell door-to-door for us. It's a great way to earn some money and become an independent business person. Just pay us 95% of the value of the aquariums up front, then you can sell them door to door and keep the very lucrative profits for yourself.

Oh, except you'll still need to pay membership dues of course.
<>< Prophet