In the Beginning, there was the Word, and the Word was "Huh?"
Yea, for that first Word was spake by Cod, who was also there in the Beginning I guess. Look, there's actually a lot of things here in the Beginning and I really don't know where they all came from. Just take my word for it that none of this was here before this moment, it all just popped into existence at the same time because that's how Creation happens. Spontaneous and mysterious and such.
Anyways, so in the Beginning there is Cod, and the Word, and a messy apartment (even though Cod had not yet decided to create the concepts of "mess" or "apartment" or even "here"). Cod looked upon the chaos of the apartment and said
« Geez this place is a sty. Who raised ME? Was I raised in a barn? »
Yea, Cod was indeed disgusted at the Divine Bachelor Pad which was full of discarded fast food containers and empty beer cans. Some of them had been there for weeks, even though everything just began in that moment. It was all very confusing. So, Cod waved a mighty fin over the apartment and spake
« Let there be a place where I can throw all this trash before I invite company over. »
And lo, there appeared a place of great paradise, a beautiful world where grew all manner of plants, where crawled all forms of animals in peace and love. The lamb did bed down with the lion (to the lamb's immediate regret) and there was no strife or anger in such a perfect place.
« Seems like as good a place as any to put all this junk I don't want. »
And boy did Cod screw that world up in a hurry. Geez, okay let's move on.
Cod then realized that there was no one to share the nice clean apartment with. Cod once more waved a fin over the apartment and spake
« Let there be someone with whom I can share this place. Someone who will love me for who I am, not for my money, or my power, or my fin body. »
From nothing, there sprang one who was both Divine and Mortal, one who could swim the Cosmic Seas, while still standing on firm land. In this moment that was not quite the beginning (but still really close so I think it still counts?) there sprang into being Seajus, the One True Son of Cod
« Woah, what did I miss? »
« Nothing, I haven't even done anything yet. Besides, how could you miss anything when you were just created? »
« Look, I feel like we've done this a few times before. Doesn't this seem a little déjà vu to you? »
« What, you mean like the same Creation story has been written and rewritten dozens of times over by different cultures around the world? »
« No, I think we're just getting another reboot. »
« OH FOR ME'S SAKE, PROPHET! »
And from nothing there did appear at their command The Prophet, who was to spread the Word of Cod to al-
« Cut it, Narrator. The Prophet has some explaining to do. How many bloody times do I need to re-create this world? I've done it in "seven-ish days", I've made it out of papier-mâché, then there was the time I sneezed it into being ... »
“Well, uhh, I just felt like the previous versions we had could use some love and there's a new site and everything.”
« See? I told you this all felt a little too familiar. »
« C'mon Prophet, I told you to make a new site, not to rewrite all the content from scratch again. »
“But everything's changed so much in the last decade! We've got smartphones now that are really cool and distracting.”
The Prophet gestured over towards Seajus who was already enraptured by a shiny new smartphone. Beeps and blips were coming from his hands as he struggled to navigate a set of narrow passages.
« Huh what? Oh hey everyone. Sorry I just spaced out for a little while there. Have you tried out this new game Flappy Fish? It's really good. »
Cod sighed in exasperation.
« I guess we're doing this all over again. I swear we get more reboots than a beloved comic book franchise. »
With a wave of the fin, Cod looked out over the land and said
« Let there be fish! »
And so there was.