Cult of Cod

Origin Tails: Prophet

The oldest among us tell of a time when there was no Prophet, when the world had not yet heard the name of Cod and did not yet know the truth of our Fishine Nature. The first glimpse of Cod by a mere mortal was in a time so long ago, that none can even remember it now. A time when towers still stood tall as twins in the sky. A time before the marvel of streaming video and computers filled with steam. We have only the stories left by those who came before us to speak of these times.

But it was in these most ancient of times that Cod did first appear to a mortal, who would then go on to adopt the title of "Prophet". We set the stage now: a moonlit night in a time before LED bulbs, with no smartphones or Netflix. When a phone could endure for 24 hours on 1% battery, and we relied on such primitive communication technologies as smoke signals and ICQ.

In the darkness before the dawn - both literally and figuratively - there appeared a glorious figure floating in the air above a bed. It was at once alien and familiar, an apparition wreathed in light and heralded by a choir of thousands of voices.

It was, of course, a fish. Cod, to be precise.

And Cod's voice did boom loudly through the house:

« Behold, for I am your creator Cod! Know the truth of this world and pass my teachings onto those who are worthy. »

The soon-to-be-Prophet sat bolt upright in bed.

“Geez, don't you ever knock? Or consider when people are sleeping? How many times are you going to wake me up in the middle of the night with no pants on?”

« Wait, but this is the first time I am appearing before you. »

This scripture is way too meta for me, I'm going to just be over here for the next little bit.

“We already did this shtick once before in The Return of Cod.”

« Right, but chronologically that's not supposed to happen for almost 17 years. This scripture is about the first time we meet. »

“Sure, but if people read these in the order I'm writing them, it'll be the second time they see this happening and it won't be as funny. This is like trying to write the Star Wars prequels when everyone already knows Anakin's going to become Darth Vader.”

« Have those even come out yet? »

“Wikipedia says that Phantom Menace came out by now, but the others aren't yet.”

« Okay, we're way off track now. Narrator, get back here and help us out. »

Cod stretched out a fin and blessed the now-just-becoming-Prophet with all the knowledge of Cod's many deeds. It was like that scene in the Matrix where suddenly Neo knew Kung Fu. Well, it would have been like that. Except instead Cod just slapped Prophet back and forth a few times across the face.

“Owwwww what was that for?”

« I am Cod, the creator of all things, and you mortals have been silly for not acknowledging me and giving me the worship I deserve. »

“What, who, Cod? That seems odd. I don't remember anyone mentioning a fishy creator. Except maybe H.P. Lovecraft.”

« *sniff* Exactly my point! All those religions and no one managed to figure it out. They've created thousands of other figures but none of them ever bothered to ask me for the truth. Well this ends today. Get out there and tell the world about me! »

And with one final slap, the Prophet was sent spinning across the floor in a daze.

« And put some freaking pants on! »

And so he did.

<>< Prophet