Altar of Cod
So you've joined the Cult, got your official brainwashing, and now you want to start worshiping Cod properly. Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that there's no such thing as Santa Claus. It's just your dog bringing you presents. If you don't have a dog, one has been appointed to act as your personal "Santa Claws" until such time as you get your own. That's why your presents always smelled like kibble and canine flatulence.The good news though is that we're totally going to learn how to build an altar now!
There are three important things to consider when constructing an altar: shape, color, and texture. Like a fine dog food, it's absolutely critical that you select the right mix of ingredients to keep your altar healthy and ensure many happy years of memories together. Until the inevitable end of all things, when Cuttlefish rises from the depths of the ocean and consumes all there is. But dwell not on those dark thoughts, there are Cods to worship!
Shape
When constructing your altar, here are some quick guidelines to help you understand the fung sway of your personal place of worship.
- Square altars are practical. They stack nicely and can be stored easily in a box. You can even use a box as the base of your altar. And then put it in a box. With a smaller box inside both of them. Your own personal Matryoshka Altar.
- Round altars are easy to transport. Just turn it on its side and roll your altar with you to work, school, your next house, your grandmother's funeral. Please take off anything you don't want to fall on the floor when you do that though. Or else glue them firmly onto the altar.
- Five-sided altars are right out. Just don't even.
- Non-Euclidean altars are not recommended for beginners. Violating the laws of space and time might seem like a good place to start in your dedication to Cod, but don't get ahead of yourself. If you're sure you're ready to take that step, a good initiation is to construct your altar as a two-dimensional image on the surface of a sphere and go from there.
The color of your personal altar is invariably going to impact your mood, your thoughts, and ultimately your worship when you pray to Cod. Keep this in mind when selecting the exact shade for your creation.
- Blue readily conjures up images of the Cosmic Ocean. Because of their automatic sympathetic connection to water, Blue altars are best for attuning to Cod.
- Green conjures up images of the green fields upon which McBetsy grazed. Because of their automatic sympathetic connection to grass, Green altars are best for attuning to McBetsy.
- Red is a primal, bloody image - symbolic of Seajus and McBetsy's ultimate sacrifices. Because of their automatic sympathetic connection to TWO members of the Trinity, Red altars are way better than Green or Blue altars.
- Yellow is a nice color and would like everyone to know that it is a perfectly good choice for altars too. You've probably read the word "altar" so many times it's starting to lose its meaning.
- Team Blue has announced they have documents implicating the leader of Team Red as having multiple scandalous affairs. Team Blue would like for Red to be discontinued as a color for altars.
- Team Red would like to inform the press that these relationships were all between consenting adults who were well-informed of the others' involvements. Perhaps Team Blue should stick to the facts instead of trying to bring unrelated issues into this. Team Red only asks this issue be dropped and seeks no further action against Team Blue.
- MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA IS BEST
- Yes okay, we all heard you Magenta, you're a very... intense color... but please, stop derailing this discussion.
- Gold and silver are hella sick colors. They're symbolic of all the money you have. Because you're probably not a millenial.
- Black is a color. Use it if you want. It's probably symbolic of something.
Look, the obvious thing you want to do with an altar to Cod is stick a big old slab of fish on it. I am here to tell you that's a terrible idea. I mean, it's okay for a few minutes, but once that slab of fish thaws it's going to start dripping fishy water everywhere. If you don't take care of it quickly then in a few days the whole altar smells like rotting fish, then your landlord gets involved, and there's papers with words like "eviction" and "criminally bad smell" and it's just not a situation any of us want to repeat.
So instead of slabs of fish, consider these alternative accessories:
- Shark teeth
- Bleached fish skeleton
- Big Mouth Billy Bass (especially if you teach it how to recite Codite prayers).
- Life-sized Cod sculpture carved from a single piece of onyx on a moonless night while twelve other Codites chant prayers around it, before finally pouring buckets of fish guts over it to anoint it.
- Sequins and sparkles. They don't just make everything flashy and fun, they're also totally symbolic of Cod's scales.
- Racing stripes
- Skulls of your enemies
- MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA MAGENTA
- Okay, who let Magenta in here? I told you to stay up in the color section.
- MAGENTA IS LOOSE CANNON THAT PLAYS BY OWN RULES
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